Transparency

When we lived in Hong Kong, a lady in my Mom's Bible study shared that God had laid it on her heart to be more transparent with those around her. I felt God speaking to me that day that I, too, should be more transparent. For me, my struggle with being transparent is that 1) I don't want to come off as whining or complaining and 2) it's hard for me to open up. When someone asks how I am, I have a difficult time honestly saying that I'm having a rough day. When we moved here, I put pressure on myself and believed in the idea that others had certain expectations of me. Due to the things going on in my life I couldn't meet those expectations (that were in reality coming from myself). I was getting stressed because of this. I finally started opening up and telling people about how I was feeling and that I would have some hard days. It was freeing. I also seemed to be able to connect with those around me. When I haven't been transparent or willing to open up, I have come off as having it all together. Believe me, I have NEVER had it all together. I will always remember a comment made to me at Jordan's baby shower. The moms were giving me advice in going from mothering one child to two. A mom of four commented that I probably didn't need the advice though because I had it all together. That has rang through my head many times since then, because I realized the appearance I was giving was denying those around me the opportunity to help and ministry to me and denying myself the opportunity to be loved on.

I have had trouble keeping up with our blog, because it's not real life. Yes, we actually do all of the things I post about, but that isn't all that is going on in our lives. A very big part of our lives right now is my constant pain and fatigue. We don't know for sure what it is. Through e-mail two American doctors have commented that my symptoms sound like fibromyalgia. My rheumatologist here has never said the word fibromyalgia since my first appointment when I directly asked about it. At my second appointment, he did say that my blood test results were one of a healthy person. He said that he believed that I was in pain, but there seemed to be no reason for it (no inflammation). Since then he has been medicating me to lessen my symptoms. So this reality of ours may be fibromyalgia or something else-- I tend to refer to it as a chronic pain syndrome. All of four of us cope with this aspect of my life every single day. I think it will be good for me to journal more about that aspect of my life, and I hope some of you may benefit from reading about some of it.